The Purloined Hair Materia
by TrueGriever
Summary: Someone has stolen Rufus' precious hair materia! Elena solicits a private eye (Reno) to help nab the perpetrator... insane and hilarious antics follow. Who will be the next suspect... who is the guilty one? Read and find out!
1. The Purloined Hair Materia- Prologue- Sh...

The Purloined Hair Materia

(Author's note) I wrote this FanFic because….I ^&$&$^ felt like it! You have a problem wit dat foo?!?

(Disclaimer) I do not own squaresoft, nor do I own its characters…yet.

Prologue- "Sha~yy there liddle lady."

"Hello there. The name's Flame, Reno Flame. I'm a Private Eye, and this is my office. Y'know, some people would say that this is just a place of business, but I prefer to think of it as home, I'm here almost 24/7.

Now you're probably asking, Reno, why are you at work so often? I'll tell you why.

Because I don't have any social life, and I love my job. I'll give ya three reasons."

"Reason #1, I'm paid to stick my nose in other people's business.

Reason #2, I get to use a gun. 

And reason #3, consuming alcohol as often as you can is one of the requirements."

I know it may seem like an empty life, no wife or children, few friends, but it's the kind of life I'd always dreamed of…. or so I thought, until a couple of days ago. Now that, my friends, is where my story begins

FLASHBACK.

"It was a day just like any other day. I was sitting in my office loading my Ruger GP 100 with bullets, and loading myself with whiskey.

"After three hours had gone by, (and three bottles of whiskey had been consumed), I was sitting there (in a drunken stupor), at my desk (well, actually under my desk). I had just started to notice how beautiful my feet were, when suddenly, I noticed something strange.

"Shay, I dun rememma sha~aaving my legs thish morrrning." 

"I reached out to admire the smoothness of my 'handiwork', when I suddenly received a sharp kick to the face. The force of the kick rocked my head back hard enough to hit it against the desk".

"Oww~ww", I whined, and was about to retaliate until I saw who had struck me. 

She was easily one of the most beautiful ladies I'd ever seen. Her face was small, round, with a delicate chin. Her hair was a golden blonde, which was parted to the right and wrapped in a simple braid, but her most beautiful feature of all, was her sparkling, ruby red eyes. 

"WOW"! I exclaimed, then made to stand up, which proved to be a mistake, considering that I was still under the desk".

*BONK!* 

"AARRGGHH"! By this time I was getting reeaaly tired of that, and was about to start beating on the desk, until I remembered the presence of the lady.

Still drunk, I had already completely forgotten about the lumps on my head (and it didn't feel any different anyways, considering my hangover). Also, it had never occurred to me that this might be a client. All I was concerned with at first was asking her out".

"Sha~yy there liddle lady, would yoo like to go out wit me hmmmm?" I said, giving her a mischievous smile. Then suddenly, she dashed right past me, which caused me to whirl around, and land on the floor. Slowly picking myself back up, I saw that she had gone to the window, and was peeking out.

Hobbling up to her while she was peering outside, I continued hitting on her.

"Gee *hic* laaady, wash da rush, why dun ya stay a liddle whii~ile, an havadrink"? She completely ignored my question, and motioned for me to be silent.

After she had finished looking through my window, she dashed to my closet and looked in there. Then, when she was done in there, she dashed to my gun drawer. Back and forth she went, from one corner of the room to the other. By the time she had finished searching through every possible nook and cranny, I had become completely sober (which, needless to say, was quite a long time). Then she came up to me, and asked.

"Is there anybody else here"?

At first I was so dumbfounded by the stupidity of the question, I didn't know how to answer. So, I decided to make light of it.

"I wouldn't know, considering that you're the one who's checked everywhere including my sock drawer, why don't you tell me."

NARRATION STOPS.

She ignored the sarcastic tone in his voice, and replied, "I have a case."

"We have bellboys for that", Reno said with even more derision. (Rim shot *Bu-Dum CHhhh**~*** )

She stared at him as if he was the living incarnation of stupidity, and then replied, in an irritated voice, "No, I mean a job".

"Oh, well, in that case why don't you just sit down, and tell me all about it." She sat down in a chair, while Reno took out a pencil and pad."Alright, first I need a little information."

"Okay", she said.

"First, your name?"

"Elena."

"Mm hmm, nice name. Um, could you turn your head to the left please"?

"Why"? She asked. 

"No reason, I just need to analyze something". 

Elena was skeptical, but she complied. 

"Thank you, now can you tell me your address?" Reno said, while starting to jot down on the paper.

"509, Midgar, Sector 5." She replied, wondering why he needed all of this information.

"Yeah, and your phone number?" 

"It's 576… "What do you need to know all of this for?" Elena blurted out.

Reno tried to think of a quick excuse. "I um uh, ahem, so I can contact you whenever something new comes up."

"Yeah right, let me just tell you about the job, okay?" She said, while ripping the paper from his pad. After she took the paper away, she noticed something, "Hey! This is a sketch of me! …You're really pathetic, you know that"?

"Well, you can't blame a guy for appreciating great beauty". He said, in an innocent voice.

"Yes I can. Anyways, can I please tell you about the job?"

"Go right ahead". Reno said, trying to hide the embarrassment he felt about her seeing the sketch he made of her.

"Okay then, it all started yesterday morning".

FLASHBACK FROM THE FLASHBACK.

(Elena narrating) "My boss Tseng, my partner Rude, and I, were all sitting in the café on the 68th floor of the Shinra building, each of us with our own personal favorite selection of coffee."-

"Elena, could you pass me a biscotti?" Asked Tseng, while taking a sip from his cappuccino. 

(Elena thinks- *Me, he asked ME to do something for him!* )

"Sure!" She was about to get up and do as Tseng requested, when suddenly a scream of primal rage shook the very foundations of the Shinra building-

"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

The scream was so thunderous that it shattered every bit of glass on the top ten floors. It also startled Elena, causing her to spill her coffee on Tseng's lap.

"Tseng! Oh I'm so sorry!" Exclaimed Elena, in a sincere voice, while trying to clean off Tseng's lap with a napkin.

Tseng replied, while also trying to wipe himself off, "That's ….alright." (Thinks- *She's so callow. Well, never mind about inviting her for a date tonight… Ditsy blonde!* )-. Oh, she'll never know how close she came-.

Standing up from his chair, Rude (Yes he talks) queried, "What was that?"

No sooner had Rude finished his sentence than President Rufus came bursting through the stair doors so hard that they were thrown from their hinges. He then calmly, complacently marched toward the Turks.

Elena threw down her napkin, and then stood at attention adjacent with the other two Turks. 

Once Rufus came within about ten feet of the Turks, Elena thought she noticed something different about him, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it.

Once Rufus stood next to the three Turks, standing stiff as boards, he said wrathfully- "Tseng."

"Yes sir?" He responded with severe dread in his voice, for the President only used that tone when he was extremely irate.

Right after the words left Tseng's mouth, Rufus grabbed Tseng by the throat, and hauled him three feet into the air. Elena and Rude were so shocked, that they could only stand there in consternate silence, and watch. 

After Rufus had Tseng dangling in the air for a while, he hissed. "Where is it?"

"Where is what, Sir?" Tseng coughed, staunched from oxygen.

"YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHAT, DON"T PLAY IGNORANT WITH ME!" Rufus seethed, while tightening his grip. "You stole my mastered hair materia! It took me years to master that, and I want to know where it is RIGHT NOW!"

Now Elena realized what was different about Rufus. This was the first time she had seen him without his hair combed!

"I didn't *gasp* take it *erk* sir. *Wheeze*. Said Tseng, who was turning blue in the face by this time.

"Oh really… Then why does your hair smell suspiciously like Costa Del Sol Ocean Breeze?" Rufus said, in a suspecting tone. 

(Tseng, almost unconscious at this point) "Because *erk* I have a mastered hair materia*cough* as well. But I didn't take yours, I swear!"

Rufus narrowed his eyes at Tseng, and then dropped him, leaving him gasping for air on the floor. Then he said,"In that case, some rouge has infiltrated the building, stolen my hair materia, and then left completely undetected."

Tseng barely found the strength to come to his feet, and attempted to stand at attention with the other two.

Once Tseng was lined up, Rufus continued. "Now, you are going to find this person, then bring him here under custody. Is that clear?" He said in a cool voice.

Rude spoke up (Again! Wow!), "…Excuse me, Sir?"

"Yes, Rude"? Said Rufus, turning to face Rude.

"Wouldn't it be easier just to share Tseng's?" Rude said, regretting the question as soon as it was uttered.

Rufus seriously considered shooting Rude in the foot for the remark; for one thing, the great Rufus Shinra does not "share", and for another thing, how dare this Yule Brenner wannabe interrupt him with such a foolish suggestion. But, after a brief moment of deliberation, he discarded the thought, and replied, "No Rude, it would not, because this is not a mere matter of just the materia, it's a matter of principle. Think about it, if news of the theft leaked out, and the citizens discovered that the perpetrator went unpunished, then they would believe that they could just sneak in here, and back out, without any apprehension of punishment. Therefore, you will bring this criminal to me IMMEDIATELY, so he can be publicly executed as an example, and then Hojo will have the corpse as a new specimen to play with. In the meantime, Tseng, I am "taking" your hair materia".

Rufus made to leave, until he noticed that the Turks were sitting back down. 

Turning to them, he asked, "What do you think you are doing?

"Well, sir, can't we finish our coffee break first?" Elena answered. Her voice was trembling with terror.

Rufus simply stood there for a moment, glaring at them like an apparition, right into the very depths of their souls, making them feel worse trepidation then any of them could have ever fathomed even possible. After Rufus had glowered at them enough to make them break down in tears, he let out a savage cry.

NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

The next thing the Turks felt was pain. Flying across the room, into the stairwell, and falling down all 68 floors. (OW! O.OUGH .OOWCH! .) 

Once they had landed in a heap at the bottom, they heard a shrill voice from the floor they had just descended exclaim-

"NOT ONE SECOND OF "TIME OFF" UNTIL THE PERPETRATOR HAS BEEN DISCOVERED!" Rufus screamed, and then slammed the door, causing the walls to vibrate so hard that a bulletin board fell, and hit Rude on his dome head.

*Owww~www, Rude groaned, and then fell unconscious.

Tseng stood up, then said, in a slurred voice, "C'mons Turksss, less git ta werkss". Then he too, fell unconscious.

Elena stood up; straightened out her suit and hair, and then said, "Right bosh, but firsht, some mush needed beauty sweep." She then promptly fell unconscious with the other two.

BACK TO THE ORIGINAL FLASH BACK

"Once we had all come to, we decided to split up and search through different parts of Midgar. Not too much later, I came across here, and decided to come in. I figured I could use a professional snoop." Elena said, finishing her story.

"Oh so that's where that hideous bump on your head came from," Reno said, trying to control his laughter.

"What did you say"? Elena asked, suspiciously.

"Nothing". Said Reno. He then stood up, walked over to her, and spoke again.

"Well little lady, you've come to the right place," he said, offering his hand. Elena shook it, and he continued. "Now the first thing we need to do is work up a list of suspects 


	2. The Purloined Hair Materia- Chapter 1- H...

Chapter one-- "Hey Spiky"!  
  
"It was an enigmatic and tempestuous night. The incessant rhythm of rain only escalated the resounding melancholy amidst the night's oppressive atmosphere; a hazardous fate could be lurking within any and every fold of the cities circuitous byways. I knew straight away that"-  
  
"Will you shut up?!" Elena exclaimed, sharply cutting off Reno's baleful narration.  
  
"Aww~ I'm just trying to add a little drama to the story!"  
  
"You probably do enough of that when you brood while you're drunk. Now come down off of that gargoyle and pick up the pace, will you please?"  
  
"Fine." whined Reno.  
  
"The Shinra building is only a few more blocks down; are you certain it's a good idea to search trough the client files for suspects? Rufus is tetchy enough as it is right now, and I wouldn't want to think about what he'd do to you--to us if he caught you sneaking around in there."  
  
"Hey, whoever stole that hair materia must be someone who recently visited the Shinra building, right?" Reno smugly intoned while checking to make sure that his pistol was immaculately clean.  
  
"I suppose." admitted Elena. However, she couldn't help but think- Although, something tells me you aren't checking your gun for no reason at all. It wouldn't do you much good if you got the President's ire up.  
  
"Well, why not go under the guise of a client?" Stated Reno, simultaneously holstering his revolver, and taking out a hip flask.  
  
"Wow, for the first time this trip you're actually showing some skills in your profession," came Elena's exclamation of feigned amazement.  
  
"Thanks! I think..."  
  
Rounding a bend, the pair looked up to the most monstrous building one could ever imagine. Well, looked up as far as they could before their necks wouldn't bend anymore...  
  
"Well..." said Elena, indicating the immense structure with a noncommittal air, "this is it."  
  
While gaping at the building, Reno let out a low whistle (well, as much of a whistle as you can let out when your jaws are about five feet apart and your neck is stretched way back) and said "I've lived in this city most of my life, and the Shinra Building has always been a part of my landscape--a rather prominent part--but I never imagined it could... I mean, I never thought it would... it's enormous!"  
  
"Yes, well, I never really pay attention to it any more" Elena said, quite indifferently, as she fished out her electric key card to open the door.  
  
Once they were through the threshold, Elena pointed once again, and said, "That's the door leading to the cellar; we should be able to find the necessary files down there."  
  
"The cellar?! How big is it??" Reno babbled in disbelief and with not a little bit of fear.  
  
"I don't know," Elena answered, "I've never seen the whole thing."  
  
Without another word (well, at least not any coherent words, Reno was whining and crying the whole time while Elena dragged him down the stairs), the pair proceeded to the door, and down the flight of stairs within.  
  
A few hours later...  
  
Okay, many hours later...  
  
"Reno, have you found any leads yet?" Elena moaned as she read the company bulletin for the fortieth time.  
  
In the corner of the room, Reno stood by a wall that was covered with filing cabinets. About his feet were many discarded sheets of paper (Actually, more like over his feet and up to his neck). Fishing out a file (literally, since he had to dive for it) Reno exclaimed, "Whoa!"  
  
"What, you find a lead?" asked an incredulous Elena as she seemed to deflate onto the floor. "Hal-le-lu-jah!!"  
  
"No, even better." Reno slowly rotated the file till it faced Elena, all dramatic and such, and said, "Would you look at the profile on that woman! Think she'd go for me?"  
  
In an instant, Elena whipped out a flamethrower and torched the file. For a long time. A very long time.  
  
Gazing at the cindered remains of the document, Reno slowly looked up at Elena, gauged her at about an 11 on the Richter scale, backed off about 3 inches (as much as he could manage in that pile) and pleaded--"Alright, alright, I get the idea!" he then rigorously returned to his work. More like hid in it. After a few more moments of digging, he said in an oh look at me, look at me, aren't I so skilled~ tone of voice, "Alright, I've narrowed it down to these three men." He swam up to her, fanning out the three sheets of paper, and pointed "Here," he pointed to one with a picture of a spiky headed freak, "is a man named Cloud Strife. I consider him suspect, well, for quite obvious reasons I should say."  
  
"So he's the man we go to see first, Reno?"  
  
"Yes, we'll stop by there tonight."  
  
"Tonight, Reno, is almost morning. What possible excuse could we make for stopping by this early in the day without drawing unwanted attention?"  
  
"Think about it, Elena. What's the one salesman that can come across as stupid, lost, and desperate for just some place to dump his wares?"  
  
Elena raised an eyebrow in half skepticism, and half apprehension.  
  
Seeing Elena's uncertainty, Reno impishly supplied, "Why, as a teenage pizza delivery guy, of course."  
  
Elena responded by dropping her face in her hands and emitting a low, pathetic groan of despair.  
  
At the outskirts of town  
  
"Reno, this will never work." Elena whined, face still in hands.  
  
"Sure it will", consoled Reno, whilst adjusting his ridiculous looking paper hat and the box of half-eaten cold pizza he'd fished from his office on his way over. "I just have to act dumb, and convince whoever's home that I'm innocent enough to be let inside the house and give my supposed pizza shop a call."  
  
"Well, I guess that the first part should be no trouble." Elena mumbled as she drug her hands off of her face with an effort.  
  
"Hush." Reno responded, an air of extreme confidence about him. "This is the place, now you just stand back, while I do my thing."  
  
"Believe me," Elena sarcastically replied, "I've seen you do your `thing', and I'll have no problem with staying back. Way back."  
  
Reno pretended to ignore her as he skipped up the porch of a rather quaint little house, smiling with his upper lip extended about three inches from his face. The house was beautiful, compassed about with various exotic blossoms, and constructed from simple brick. Once before the door, Reno rang the bell and donned an expression of what could only be described as your basic "would you like fries with that" face. However, after the door had been answered, all pretense of stupidity became unnecessary, as the beauty of the woman left Reno dumbfounded. Her hair was a frame of glorious, sheen chestnut hair, done up in a rather complex plait that dangled behind her back. Her eyes were emerald facets that gleamed like a thousand mirrors. Her face was pale and frail, as though the mask of an angel. Trying with all his might to keep his mind on the job, but still failing miserably, Reno blurted, "Hi, I'm Reno! Would you like my number? "  
  
Raising a single brow in skepticism, the woman responded, "Is there something that you want?"  
  
Shaking away from his gawking, and only half succeeding, Reno fumbled, "Um, pizza!"  
  
Absolutely baffled, the jade-eyed female replied, "I'm sorry, we don't have any."  
  
"What? No, I mean that I want you to have pizza. No, wait, I mean that I want you to buy pizza. Um, here" Reno jutted forth the box to punctuate his point.  
  
Completely bemused, the auburn maned woman said, "But, sir, we didn't order any."  
  
Donning a pretense of annoyance, Reno snapped his finger as he stated, "Blast. Can I use your phone? I'll need to inform the shop that I couldn't make the delivery."  
  
Slightly suspicious, but allowing her benevolence to win over, the woman stood aside, and said, "Yes, please come in?"  
  
Reno traipsed through the now open threshold and came to stand in the center of a cozy little family room. After the woman had shut the door, Reno spun round, withdrew his badge, and dutifully stated, "Alright sister, this is a search warrant, now tell me where your husband is, I have a few questions for him."  
  
Completely taken off guard, the woman was able to do nothing but meekly mutter, "H-he's not home at the moment..."  
  
Replacing his badge, a perverse sneer spread across Reno's face, as he lewdly replied, "He's not home, eh? Well then, I suppose I simply have to begin the search with you." He slowly advanced towards the helpless lady (although, had he gotten much closer, he would've found she wasn't that `helpless'). However, before Reno even took his seventh pace, he felt a light tap upon his shoulder. Turning about in surprise, Reno beheld a navy-clad, flaxen banged man, whose deep azure eyes were trilling with rage. Reno's sneer deepened, almost into a cringe, as he greeted the figure (who stood about a foot taller than he did). "Hey spiky."  
  
With no sense of the civility in his voice, the man demanded, "What exactly are you doing here??"  
  
Reno swallowed a lump from his throat, and answered, "I... I... am here on legal business! Yeah, and, uh, you will cooperate or face ...serious ...charges!" Reno smiled ingratiatingly after the last and started backing towards the door.  
  
With an audible crack to his knuckles, and a sidelong glance while he cracked his neck, the man smiled with morbid delight, took Reno by the throat, and began a series of actions that are far too gory to describe in this G-rated story.  
  
Elena stood leaning against a street lamp, gazing at the clouds to pass the time. Wondering at Reno's progress, she stared towards the house within which he'd entered, and after she'd done so, there arose from that house mentioned house a mind-searing shriek of colossal proportions (Colossal in that mouse-like squeaking sense). Withdrawing her hands from her ears, Elena looked again to the house, and there saw a red tipped blur flail from the house's second story, and land upon the street in a painful-looking and -sounding fashion.  
  
After the blur had landed, a man's head poked out from the second story window, and said, "Get so `friendly' with my wife again, and I'll use your entrails to paint a mural of warning on the side of my house to others like you!" With that, the man's head withdrew from the window, and the said window was slammed shut.  
  
Casually traipsing over to the twitching lump, Elena sighed as she asked, "What'd you find?  
  
Shakily coming to his feet. Reno painfully responded, "I ~ search ~ mm-hmm. Not ~ did ~ get ~ perform ~ do ~ see?"  
  
Setting her palm to her chin in thought, Elena followed up with, "Well then, I suppose that we're just going to have to keep looking."  
  
Shaking his head with a gaga-like manner in the negative, Reno amended, still staring at the pretty little birdies above his head-- "No, ya see, Is gots ta smell his ha-ir as he was throt-lin, uh, pumlin, uh, whupping my tinie finie heinie. And, it weren't no gel, naw, it were quick dry cement. How does I know it were quick dry cement, hrmm, well honeyy~, believe me, nobody, and Is means nobody knows the smell of cement close up likes Is do!" That said Reno fainted forward to be caught by Elena.  
  
Supporting the unconscious Reno in her arms, Elena looked to the sky as if seeking divine guidance, and exasperatedly intoned, "It's going to be a long weekend."  
  
*Author's Note--Yeah, yeah, I know, It's been years since I've done anything with this story, in fact it's probably been so long that the few of you who might have read this story's first chapter don't even care by now, but nevertheless, I might as well stick with the saying and make it late rather than never. On a final note, for those of you who reviewed my first installment of this story, thanks. 


	3. The Purloined Hair Materia- Chapter 2- N...

**Chapter Two- "Not That There's Anything _Wrong_ With That."**

            "No… no… not my color… no…" Reno was wading his way through the numerous outfits of Midgar's most famous dress store, you know, the one where Cloud got his "thang" on.

            Elena, encumbered with the many tramp-like ensembles Reno had discarded, wheezed "Reno, you've managed to shock and appall me on several occasions during this case, but so far this is _the _most fantastical thing. What in the name of the Lifestream do you hope to _accomplish_ here?" Elena stamped her foot at the last.

            Reno paid her no heed, still intent on his search. He fetched out another dress—an especially frilly pink thing—from a rack, turned to face Elena with the outfit held against him, and to Elena's utter shock cocked a hip and asked "How do you think this would look on me?" In viewing Elena's expression of confusion, Reno enquired in an exasperated voice "What, you mean to tell me that _you _never did this sort of thing in college?" 

            Her mind a great mangle, partly from the lack of sleep during Reno's close encounter of the "spiky kind" the previous night, Elena stammered, "A-ab-absolutely _not_!"

            At this reply, Reno merely raised his eyebrows and shrugged. "Your loss. I suppose this one _is_ perhaps a _little_ ostentatious." Elena's eyes widened as he placed the dress on the growing stack in her arms, thinking "a _little_??" 

Reno then returned his attention to his search for fashion. "Oh, now I absolutely _adore_ the color on _that_," Reno squealed, holding out a pastel-blue, hip-hugger skirt. 

            Frustrated with the entirety of this ridiculous situation, Elena shouted, "Alright, Reno! Just _what_ is the _point_ of this?" The sudden attention of the other store patrons caused by the outburst turned Elena's cheeks a rather interesting shade of red—not really from her momentary lack of composure, but more from being seen with this… this sick, _demented_ creature. Reno quirked an eyebrow and a queer little smile betrayed the amusement he was gleaning from Elena's confusion and embarrassment—which aggravated Elena even more—as her crimson façade of embarrassment turned into a fiery red display of anger.

Elena forgot all about the other patrons as she stomped between Reno and the clothes rack. She would stop Reno from going any further in this… this…. _whatever_ the heck he was doing, until she got a very, _very_ good explanation from him. Elena huffed directly in Reno's face as she said "Reno… I think I've had… _quite_ enough patience with… this _queer_ little game of yours. You… _will_ tell me what is going on… _right_ now… or I will _burn_ this place down with you in it!" She dropped the pile of clothes, whipped out her flamethrower and had it leveled at Reno's face in the time it took him to drop the outfit and cower between the petticoat tails of the dresses in the rack behind him.

            Keeping his voice low (as in volume-wise, his panicky tone was as high as a mouse's) in an attempt to appease this crazed Turk, Reno explained with "I-It's rather simple, Elena. Did you by chance note the identity of my second suspect when I first showed you his picture in the capital's cellar?" 

Elena exasperatedly shook her head in the negative. "No, I didn't pay too much attention." Elena raised her eyebrows sarcastically, gesturing at the especially cute dress Reno was hiding himself with, and asked "Why? You looking to attract a 'special friend'?" 

"Well…" Reno began saying as he dug his way out of his hideyhole— "…Sort of." Reno procured a photo from his jacket and handed it to Elena. A most amusingly contorted expression followed from Elena just before she dropped the photo like it was contagious and backed away before falling into a rack of dresses herself. 

            "No… it can't be! That's… it's Don Corneo! I thought that pervert had died months ago! How could…"

            "It doesn't matter." Reno interjected firmly as he put his hand out to aid the strangely stricken Elena to her feet. _Odd_. He thought, _I know he's ugly, but I didn't think it was THAT bad. _ "What matters is that this man easily has one of _the _most impossible hair styles that I've ever seen." 

            Elena smacked Reno's hand to the side before she semi-composed herself and stood shakily to her feet, making sure to stay well away from the evil photo as she approached Reno. Her voice still trembled with anger (and an added modicum of what seemed to be disgust or fear) as she pressed on with— "This explains _who_ your next suspect is, Reno, but it still doesn't tell me _why _we're here, or why you… you…" She stammered at a loss for words, arms waving at the air, trying to pull sense out of the confused atmosphere before falling to her side—"…Why _do_ you want to purchase a woman's dress?"

            Pocketing the portrait, Reno adorned his trademark smirk, and scratched his scraggly chin while asking "You know that spiky-haired freak that we went after last night?"

Elena replied with a smirk of her own—"I certainly remember the number he did on you."

Reno winced as he rubbed his bruises and replied with "More like a full-blown equation… but never mind that. What I was getting at is the rumor that, not too long ago, a spiky-haired freak like him pulled a… very 'queer' ordeal with the Don in an attempt to save a childhood friend of his…"

            Elena thought back to an article in the _Midgar Monthly_ that sounded rather like the situation Reno described. (Why in the world would he refer to such a strange, disturbing, insane venture… wait a minute… those words fit Reno perfectly! He can't be…) "No… you can't be… No! Please no, No, NOHOHOOO!" 

            Widening his smirk into a self-satisfied grin, Reno retorted to the blubbering woman, "Oh yes… and I believe that this hot-pink leather choker top and knee-length black-leather skirt will do perfectly." Reno then made off for the dressing room, Elena clinging to his ankles the whole way in a desperate attempt to dissuade Reno from this…this-this MOST _WRONG_ IDEA! 

            **After many hours of preening and pleading…**

            Reno and Elena are wading their way through the busy market area of sector six, stopping sporadically so that Reno might purchase some accessories in order to heighten his, ahem, "appeal." 

Reno, for all of his cragginess, presented a rather convincing woman. Reno was quite proud as he admired him(?)self in the windows they passed. "I knew all those parties during college would pay off someday." His contest with Elena about the whole idea lasted for quite a while through the dressing room door—but he knew all the while that there was nothing that she could do to stop his masculine determination. (Ha.) Finally, Elena had relented, seeing that there could be no reasoning with the freelancer (it might have also had something to do with her fear of following Reno into the dressing room, but Reno liked his idea of the situation better). 

However, upon his emergence from the dressing room, Reno was greeted with a facial expression from Elena that was so contorted that he was about to dive back in fear to the room's relative safety before Elena rushed forward and tore up the hairdo he had worked so hard on. "Reno, if you're going to pull so stupid a stunt, at least do it properly. No self-respecting woman would be caught dead in hair like that. And those legs! Those hairy legs of yours will betray you before anything else. Now, at least buy some stockings, or I will personally pin you down and shave your legs!" Reno, though he knew it to be a suicidal remark before it passed his lips, had countered with "That doesn't seem like such a bad prospect." This, of course, made for a sound thumping over the ear.

After a thorough 'education' from Elena on womanly ways of dress, and an excursion through market square, Reno was fully prepared except for a few last trinkets. As he and Elena walked, Reno began to play out in his mind just how the "encounter" with the Don should go when—

"Reno, are you sure when Corneo will be making his appearance at the place you indicated?" came an abrupt question from Elena, ending the detective's train of thought.

"Trust me." came Reno's overconfident voice. "Information is my profession— I have my sources."

            "Okay…" came what seemed a sigh of defeat, as Elena turned to her own thoughts. _"How?? How can it be possible for that pervert to still be alive?"  _Elena visibly shuddered when she reflected on that time some months ago when she and that strange materia-thief girl had been captured and dragged to the top of Mount Wutai by that Mohawk wearing… _thing_. The Turks had banded together with a terrorist group they'd been hunting for the past few months to save them. This was what led to Elena's enduring crush on the lead Turk, since Tseng had caused the lavender robed slime-ball to dangle from the mount's edge, and, after a period of listening to the Don's pathetic pleas for mercy, had given the most wonderful reply and then sent the fat man plummeting to what all present had _thought_ to be his death.

            Elena shook from her reflecting, uttering within herself a prayer that Reno never found out about that unpleasant incident. She knew that if he did, he would never stop harassing her throughout the whole rest of this case.

            Giving a contented sigh, Reno inhaled the aroma of some perfume a hawker had offered him. After a few more whiffs, he turned to Elena, asking "What's your opinion?"

            Taking a snuff of the concoction, Elena contorted her face in disgust. Poor Reno obviously had no sense of the finer assets that women might buy to increase their feminine qualities. Not that he should… "Reno, put that up. And forget most of the things you might buy here, this…" she fished a rather fine looking crystal bottle from her jacket pocket "Is the best that money can buy." To demonstrate, Elena briefly passed the vessel under Reno's nose, causing the detective's eyebrows to rise in appreciation. "Now Reno," Elena stated firmly, putting away the fragrance container, "Come along and I'll have you _properly_ done up for this job." 

            **After another period of preening…**

            Reno, with Elena close in following, strode into the market area's favorite bar, just up the road from the clothing store. Once through the doorway, Reno casually looked about—for, according to his info, this was exactly where the Don always went this specific time of day. After completing his search, Reno motioned Elena towards a seat by the Don. However, for some reason that Reno couldn't fathom, Elena's eyes widened as she stuttered out her refusal to go "anywhere near that creature". Instead, she went to sit in a quiet corner, as far away from where the Don sat as she could manage. Shrugging, Reno decided to allow Elena to do what she liked, whilst he went up to the Don to "get his thang on". 

            After Elena took a seat, she looked back to the exaggeratedly strutting Reno. While she did this, she couldn't help but take encouragement in the fact that Reno was receiving many an appreciative stare from the bar's male patrons—although she did realize that most of them were very drunk. 

            Taking up a stool next to the seemingly depressed Don, Reno said to the female bar attendant in the most feminine voice that he could muster, "I'll have a beer, sweetcakes." Which, needless to say, didn't come out very feminine at all.

            Back in her little corner, Elena smacked herself on the forehead in hearing Reno's slip up. 

Gathering all the femininity that he could (and all the courage too, imagine how you'd feel, sitting so close to Corneo), Reno greeted the ball of lard with "Hello handsome."     

In hearing the rather awkward-sounding voice, Don turned to the supposed strumpet, looked her up and down with a bored expression, and then snorted in indifference as he returned to his drink. 

            A little surprised at the Don's reaction, Reno decided that it was time for a slight escalation in his tactics. (Get psyched, Reno… get psyched). Reno tentatively laid his hand on the Don's shoulder (you know, that bulbous mass somewhere between his neck and his arm), as he said "Such smooth _materia_l." Reno paid close attention to see if his emphasis caused any significant reaction. However, Reno received no reaction whatsoever, for the Don was completely ignoring him. Determined to grip the fat man's attention, Reno threw off his dignity, and leaned his entire upper body against the Don, thinking as he did so _"What I do for my clients." _ Yet, despite Reno's "cuddling," there was still no reaction from the Don. Frustrated, Reno abruptly stood from the stool and stomped back to where Elena sat. Once he was before the female Turk, Reno blurted, "I'm not getting anywhere— you try."

            In hearing this proposition, Elena blurted back, "Wha…_Whaaat_?! No! I'd rather face Rufus' wrath a hundred times over than come within fifty-feet of that…that _thing_!"Calming herself, Elena sat back, stating "You just need to work on your approach." Lifting her hand to her chin in thought, Elena recollected the time when she'd spilled coffee in Tseng's lap not too long ago, whereupon he had seemed, Elena thought, rather attracted to her feminine ways. Retracting her palm from her jaw, Elena intoned with the voice of a master teaching her apprentice, "It has been my experience, Reno, that men are often attracted to a woman when said woman comes across as helpless." 

            "Okay… I can do that…" Reno stated hesitantly.

            "Also," Elena pressed on, "you have to learn to get some 'moves on'. Swing those hips, dip those shoulders, and every now and then give a bit of a sweep to your forelocks." 

            "Hmmm. Alright, I'll give those a shot." Thus schooled, Reno returned to his task with an increased air of confidence.

            Watching Reno return to the bar, Elena waited with pride to see the effects of her expert advice. Unfortunately, all such hopes were dashed when she saw Reno begin to scoot his backside back and forth across his seat's surface. Elena figured that perhaps Reno was experiencing some sort of discomfort… until Reno began to dip his shoulders so far forward that he looked like a drunken hunchback. Just when Elena thought that Reno's behavior couldn't possibly become more idiotic, Reno brushed back his forelocks. This action in itself wasn't so bad… but Reno did so with a rather full mug of beer in his hand. So his hair and dress on one side now dripped with the foamy, sticky liquid. Elena buried her face in her palms and moaned. 

Ignoring the "drip… drip" sounds of the alcohol he had just unceremoniously dumped on himself, Reno started his flirting anew. Continuing to follow Elena's advice, Reno "accidentally" dug a hair comb out of his purse and tossed it… uhh "dropped" it on the floor underneath the Don's mammoth form. "Oh~ silly me." Reno giggled girlishly, leaning down to gather up the dropped comb. While he did this, Reno glanced from the corner of his eye to see the Don's reaction. Nothing. Reno's ire rising, he decided to go full out. Reno intentionally pulled himself up just so that he knocked his shoulder against the counter, causing his mug of beer to topple over, right into the Don's lap. Feigning great distress, Reno hopped to his feet, and began fawning all over Corneo's soaked self, saying, "Oh, forgive me sir! So nice an outfit stained! Please, let me help…" Reno took a napkin from the countertop and made a show of frantically dabbing at the fat man's soaked robe.

            The Don's reaction was somewhat… anti-climactic. He simply looked down at the liquid pouring down his round form and forming puddles at his lap, and then looked at Reno with a somewhat irritated gaze. Throughout this whole scenario, Don merely sat in stillness, and then lightly shrugged. "Whatever."

            Now, this was frustrating beyond rationality! Reno threw himself off of the Don's rotund lap and screamed— "Very well, fatboy! Ignore this!" 

Suddenly the view switched to the ceiling, where a most dazzling light had inexplicably appeared. The sound of tearing cloth preceded the silhouetted form of a… certain pink-and-black leather dress. –You see, Reno (having a lot of free time on his hands) had watched a lot of animé, and had spent many an hour mastering the sacred "instant costume change" technique.— Reno blazed with a strange mixture of pride over being able to use his much-practiced technique, and anger at the Don's continued indifference as he stood with his hands on his hips in the typical "heroic machoman" stance. "What have you to say _now_,Mohawk boy?" 

Once again, the Don gave no verbal reply. Yet, as Reno examined the Don's actions further, he noticed that an especially odd sneer began to spread wide across the slime ball's face. Surprised at the sudden reaction from the Don, Reno began to glance back at Elena in celebration. However, the variety of contorted expressions that filled the room caught his eye before he noticed Elena hiding herself as far beneath her table as her small form could go. Reno, wondering what all of the patrons found so amusing and/or disgusting (considering the looks they were giving him) looked at the object of their attention—himself. Where Reno had expected to see his usual suit (which he could've sworn he'd put under the dress), he instead saw naught but his boxers, the little pink heart pattern on display for any who chose to stare. Many did just that, including the Don (although the Don seemed to be interested in a… somewhat different way). Reno's ear shattering scream caused everyone in the room to wince as, swifter than a wild buck (pun intended), Reno dashed to the nearby restroom where he pulled his normal clothes from hammer-space. 

            Meanwhile, Elena's mouth had become lax with shock. Every atom of her wanted to scream out in horror at having seen Reno so devoid of clothes, yet at the same time, every atom of her wanted to howl with laughter at Reno's choice of undergarments. After Elena's jaw had remained open for a few seconds, the customer seated in the booth beside her (actually, above her at the time) said, "Poor guy, he has no idea what he's just done to himself." 

            Stirring from her shocked state, Elena pulled herself into her seat and replied with, "What?"

            Waiting until after Reno emerged from the restroom and began storming back to the bar (this time with clothes on) the man continued with, "You see… a few months back, the Don had a bad run-in with a girl that he'd, uh, "chosen". But this wasn't just any girl— Rumor has it that she was a _Turk_. The whole ordeal almost resulted in the Don's death… which scared the "appetite" for girls right out of him. However, his appetite didn't disappear— oh no, it just… _changed_ somewhat…" Reno's (now highly irritated and angry) voice interrupted the two as they looked towards the bar to see Reno standing over the Don, waving his nightstick in the things' face.

            "Alright, flabby! Now that I've got my pants on, we can get down to business! I've tried to avoid hurting you, but if I have to, I'll shove this stick where the sun don't shine, if you get my meaning!" Reno's nightstick slowed its poking motions as Reno's facial expression changed from one of anger to one of confusion. The Don's face contorted into the strangest facial expression Reno had ever seen. "Now I want some answ… w… why are you looking at me like that?"

            The Don began trembling violently on his seat, hands rubbing together as he drooled on his robe. Reno started backing away from the Don, confused at the don's behavior— but not wanting to get anything on him if the Don happened to explode. However, what was wrong with Corneo became all too clear to the unsuspecting Reno when the Don bounced off of his seat, squealing, "Oh, I can't help it! You're so _irresistible_ when you're angry! And your selection of underwear is so… so… Oh I can't take it anymore! Punish me—Punish me _now_!"

            Reno froze, standing stupefied at what he heard, refusing to believe it was real. Once Corneo began to advance on him, however, the reality of the situation became all too apparent. 

Reno ran like he had never run before, squealing like a little girl all the way. Unfortunately, Reno's desperation caused him to run into walls, tables, chairs, other people, etc… which allowed the oh-so-turned-_on_ Corneo to keep up with Reno as he ran out of the bar.

            After he'd watched the pair (ohh~ that's a bad choice of words) exit the bar, the man next to Elena finished his explanation with "Well, anyway, the near-death experience caused the Don to be frightened of woman's attentions so much that he became gay… Not that there's anything _wrong _with that."

            After she'd absorbed the man's words, Elena's mouth dropped open as she looked to the door that Reno had just ran through like all the rage of Hades was at his ankles. Elena immediately jumped from her seat and out the door, looking around frantically for Reno and his newfound "friend." _"Oh my gosh! Oh my GOSH! Not even Reno deserves THIS!"_

Reno scanned his environment frantically. His pursuer, for a fat man, ran surprisingly fast—as was evidenced by the fact that he actually grabbed onto Reno's waist. Reno flailed desperately until he managed to shake off the corpulent "man". Starting his sprinting anew, Reno thought of a surprising truth he'd discovered when Corneo was attached to him (that truth wasn't that he'd found out that he enjoyed it). Believing that he'd won himself some reprieve when he'd thrown the Don to the asphalt, Reno began to contemplate further on his discovery when…

"Oh love of my life, _come_ to me!" the Don had recovered from his blow to the ground much faster than Reno would've believed. With a squeak of fright, Reno dashed into the nearest alley in hopes of escape. After he'd sprinted so far down the alley, however, Reno saw the error of his decision… the alley was a dead-end. 

            "…No!" was all that Reno could say, as he turned to run back out of the alley. It was too late. At the alley's entrance stood the Don, blocking off any form of escape, making Reno caught between a brick wall and a… soft place. Reno began beating on the brick as the Don eagerly stepped forward, squealing with glee. While Corneo drew closer to him, Reno began a desperate attempt to climb the brick before falling hard into the alley pavement and staying there. With each step that drew the Don closer to Reno, Reno drew closer to the asphalt, becoming more and more of a pitifully blubbering mass. 

            Suddenly, Reno heard a voice from behind Corneo that, at the moment, sounded like the voice of his guardian angel— "Oh Doneee~." 

            Turning to face the source of the voice, Don's eyes widened in horror as he yelped, "You!"

            At the end of the dark alley stood a fiery figure, eyes blazing with rage and flamethrower smoking in anticipation. Elena smirked dangerously as she advanced towards the Don, who shook with fear. "Yes, Corneo, _me_. Now, I _do_ believe you owe me a scream… but I'll forego your debts this once, if you'd be so kind as to put your tail between your legs and yip back to wherever it is you came from. After all— 'Why do you think that I would go through all of the trouble of killing a scumbag like you'?" 

            The final question brought horrific memories into the Don's small mind, as he recalled a similar question being asked when he'd dangled by a hand on the brink of death on Mt. Wutai. All because of…HER! It was the Don's turn to squeal like a girl, as he stumbled and ran past Elena while shouting, "No, _evil_ flamethrower-toting woman! Leave me ALOHOHONE!"  The Don's shrill plea echoed all throughout the sector. 

            The bloated creature gone, Elena crossed her arms and breathed a haughty "Humph," though it was only to disguise the trembling she still felt at having come within ten feet of the… thing. Chuffing off her goosebumps, Elena turned her attention to the pathetic creature at her feet, who was still curled up in a fetal position. Kneeling before the shaking form in the same way someone would comfort a toddler, Elena gently placed a hand in Reno's flame-like hair, and whispered, "Shush, it's okay. The bad, bloated man with the purple robe and slick hair is gone."

            Reno, his face awash with streams of tears, looked up at Elena, and immediately latched onto her heels and cried, between violent convulsions, "_Thahahank youhoohoo_. *Snif* Oh _thank_ you, I'll do anything you want, _any_thing. WHAhahaha~." Suddenly realizing his position, Reno bolted upright, miraculously regained his composure, and professionally intoned, "Ahem, my thanks for your assistance."

            Standing as well, Elena quirked her brow whilst she replied, "Uh huh." Turning to walk back out of the alley, Elena explained to Reno what the man in the bar had previously explained to her, regarding the, uhm, _changes_ in the Don. Reno, still visibly shaken from his experience, made a mental note to do a little more research before he confronted the next suspect. 

Finishing with her tale, Elena turned to Reno to see him shuffling slowly along, staring blankly into space. Determined to get his mind through the recent unpleasantness, Elena prodded him with, "So… do you think that you managed to find anything during this period of Hades on earth?"

            Trying his best to keep his voice even in spite of his still lingering horror, Reno jogged to catch up with Elena and responded, "Believe it or not yes. You see during the Don's," Reno shuddered, "_contact _with me, I noticed a very distinct odor coming from his hair. It was grease."

            "_Grease_?" came Elena's incredulous reply.

            Reno regained his composure with every step as he became more and more impressed with his own reasoning skills. "Yes. Since the Don's supposed death, it is quite apparent that he has fallen from wealth. Thus, it seems he has had to resort to the most lowly of jobs— a fast food restaurant attendant." His self-absorption in full swing, Reno said the last with a deep sigh of pride as he waited for Elena's inevitable admiration of his detective skills. 

            Elena cocked her head to one side as he replied, "Logical, Reno. But, well, how can you be _sure_ it was fast food grease? He wasn't… latched to you for that long… _was_ he?"

            Reno winced as he said, "_Ugh_. Thankfully, no. But, Elena, you're talking to a detective. Fast food makes up three quarters of my diet. It doesn't take long for me to recognize the familiar aroma of french-fry grease."

            Confounded by Reno's conclusion, Elena paced along in silence, a silence that continued until Reno slyly pried-

            "By the way, Elena, who was the female Turk in that rumor the man told you about?"

            Her face flushing with embarrassment and fright, Elena stammered, "I…I have no idea whatsoever!" The last came out as a squeak.

            Amused by the obvious lie, Reno retorted, "Ri~I~ght, I'll get back to you on that one later."

            Resigned to the harassment that would undoubtedly follow in the near future, Elena slumped her head forward, and asked through a withered sigh, "Who's the next suspect?"

            Shaking his head sharply, Reno peevishly answered with, "Forget the next suspect. Right now, and more than ever, I am in some _serious_ need of a hard whiskey." 

            Elena was ready to protest, but decided against it. After all, a man should be entitled to _anything_ he wished for after having to deal (especially the way Reno had) with someone—some_thing_ like the Don. 

***Author's note-

Am I sick? Am I demented? Don't I know it. :D However, if you want to let me know how demented I am, then please do— review!    


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